he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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