I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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