that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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