exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
