An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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