my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize