I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
