I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
