I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
