everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
