My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
