He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Randomize
