Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
