what if every blade of grass was a penis?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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