my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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