ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
