After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Are we still banned from the library?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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