All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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