hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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