Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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