And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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