Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
