Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I stole a fireplace last night.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
