Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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