Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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