you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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