Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
