He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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