I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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