Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i dont even know how to be here
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
