Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
