just come out here and I will go home with you...
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize