just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
