I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
