It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
