one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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