After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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