I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
