dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
