Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
And then my night got REAL pukey
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
