I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
