just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
