Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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