Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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