The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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