you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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