Porn is love you can see.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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