I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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