I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
