if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
And then my night got REAL pukey
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize