I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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