as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
