I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
