dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
