remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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