Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
