So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize