i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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