someone threw a dead crab at me
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize