Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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