The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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