God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
