You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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