Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
