I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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