I just cut my nipple shaving
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize