does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
