I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
